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Friend zoned myself

To The Girl Who Thinks I See Her as Just A Friend:

We have been talking for awhile now, and getting to know each other slowly. You probably think of me as just a “friend” and that’s alright.

As the days pass, I think of you often. I look to see if you have messaged me, and most of the time there’s nothing. I would message you first but I always decide to wait and see if you’re thinking of me too.

I shouldn’t hide how I feel, but I still do. My anxiety holds me back from telling you to truth. You have a busy life, and I am always working. I admire your hard work and dedication, so I will sit back and watch you reach all your goals.

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The Real Me

Featured

I have been looking into Social Anxiety Disorder.

This has been apart of me for my entire life, and honestly after 28 years I think it’s time I fight it. I struggle to socialize, and it’s starting to take a toll on me.

When I was a kid, which is normal, I would never talk to people I didn’t feel comfortable with. I didn’t want to be that kid that turned red when called on in class, or the kid who had to stand in front of the class to give a project presentation. I tried to avoid every moment that would make me feel uncomfortable. Who knew that it would get worse from there..

Fast forward to when I turned 21. I started to party, and I had so many friends. I was living the life. The sad part was, no matter what, I had to take a shot or two to even hang with them. I felt an uneasy feeling all the time in my stomach. They were my friends, but I was always feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I felt as if I didn’t take a few shots, that I wouldn’t be as fun sober. Alcohol helped me gain “friends” but nobody truly knew me because I wasn’t being the real me. Eventually, we all got older and moved on with our lives.

There were times where I got so nervous meeting a new girl that I would take shots before hanging with them. Some eventually evolved into serious relationships. Months would go by, and I still had to have at-least one shot before seeing them. I didn’t feel good enough, and to this day I fully don’t understand it. I had amazing girlfriends, and my anxiety pushed them away.

Let’s move on to how I feel now. Everything is the same, besides the taking shots part. I have come to the point where I only leave when it’s time for work, or pick up the kids, or to go grocery shopping for them. It has been driving me crazy, because at my age, I should be doing great and fun things! I have a great job, and a car, so why haven’t I experienced life yet?

I have pushed people away who do care about me, and I try so hard not to. I feel very weak, and scared to find help. Nobody really knows me, and it sucks. 20+ years of feeling judged by friends, family, and even random strangers. It has driven me into hiding, and being afraid to talk and meet new people. I have so much to offer, I really do. How can you be have a support system when it’s hard to even talk to anyone?

I am sorry for having this control my life, and I plan on getting help. I want to be the best person I can be. One day at a time.

My mind

I have been feeling so down lately. My anxiety has been through the roof.

I started to talk to someone about this, and it’s honestly brought so much to the light. Thinking about how I feel is new to me, and it’s making me feel worse. I have ignored so much throughout my life. I have always just told myself that I was fine, or I would take a nap.

I want to feel normal, and I would love a normal life. I want friends, and do everything I have always wanted to do. I’m being held back by this illness, and now that it’s being out in the open I can’t stop thinking about it.

I don’t have a title

I live in a place,

Where I don’t fit in.

Hate, Drugs, and Violence,

Just aren’t my type of sin.

Im not perfect,

But I’m not like the rest.

Maybe it’s because,

I actually have a heart in my chest.

My mind runs differently than most,

Really feels like a never ending marathon,

My brain, and my heart coast to coast.

Just a quick poem. Tried to shorten my thoughts

Who knew?

I hate the feeling of thinking something is too good to be true. I don’t want to think negatively, but when everything just keeps getting better and better everyday I often have to stop and wonder why me?

I’m not saying I don’t deserve the happiness, and I’m not being ungrateful. It just seems strange to me that after all these years of feeling alone, and feeling like I’m not that great of person; that now, out of 28 years, now is when everything seems perfect.

I need to stay positive and just go with it. Life is great.

Society

We always hear a lot of complaining about how society today sucks. I agree it does, but what have you done to help change it, or make it better? I have noticed that we live in a place where people will complain and hope someone else fixes the problem. There are huge issues that would be hard for a person like us to fix, but what about the smaller issues? I don’t know exactly how to go about helping with some of the things, but I took one step toward it and started being nice to people. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s better than what most people are doing. I know nobody will probably comment or respond but I would just like to know; Do you have any plans, or are you taking action to help make life a better place? What in society needs to change?