I have been looking into Social Anxiety Disorder.
This has been apart of me for my entire life, and honestly after 28 years I think it’s time I fight it. I struggle to socialize, and it’s starting to take a toll on me.
When I was a kid, which is normal, I would never talk to people I didn’t feel comfortable with. I didn’t want to be that kid that turned red when called on in class, or the kid who had to stand in front of the class to give a project presentation. I tried to avoid every moment that would make me feel uncomfortable. Who knew that it would get worse from there..
Fast forward to when I turned 21. I started to party, and I had so many friends. I was living the life. The sad part was, no matter what, I had to take a shot or two to even hang with them. I felt an uneasy feeling all the time in my stomach. They were my friends, but I was always feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I felt as if I didn’t take a few shots, that I wouldn’t be as fun sober. Alcohol helped me gain “friends” but nobody truly knew me because I wasn’t being the real me. Eventually, we all got older and moved on with our lives.
There were times where I got so nervous meeting a new girl that I would take shots before hanging with them. Some eventually evolved into serious relationships. Months would go by, and I still had to have at-least one shot before seeing them. I didn’t feel good enough, and to this day I fully don’t understand it. I had amazing girlfriends, and my anxiety pushed them away.
Let’s move on to how I feel now. Everything is the same, besides the taking shots part. I have come to the point where I only leave when it’s time for work, or pick up the kids, or to go grocery shopping for them. It has been driving me crazy, because at my age, I should be doing great and fun things! I have a great job, and a car, so why haven’t I experienced life yet?
I have pushed people away who do care about me, and I try so hard not to. I feel very weak, and scared to find help. Nobody really knows me, and it sucks. 20+ years of feeling judged by friends, family, and even random strangers. It has driven me into hiding, and being afraid to talk and meet new people. I have so much to offer, I really do. How can you be have a support system when it’s hard to even talk to anyone?
I am sorry for having this control my life, and I plan on getting help. I want to be the best person I can be. One day at a time.